Barnacles and double gosh, here we are with issue #9. Mother said it would never happen, I overheard her talking to Mr. Cleaver our butcher from the Flesh Emporium on the Leeds Road. You know the place, the little shop on the arcade decked out with red and white stripes and a plastic pasture, the one that has an animated full sized stuffed pig gleefully porking an animated full sized lamb with an expression of bewilderment on its face in the window, yes of course you know the place, although I suppose you could be forgiven for confusing it with the other butchers, Mr. Nutgrass’ establishment, even though his window display is a rather tawdry exhibition of meat cuts assembled to represent the form of a naked female body. The employment of the gutted chicken and use of the parson’s nose is a stroke of genius it has to be said. Anyway I heard her saying to Mr. Cleaver how I’d never get it up and running, not even with the blue pills and secret never released footage of Mrs Thatcher giving her 1983 Tory Cabinet blow jobs whilst masturbating with a pineapple for added stimulus. Mother’s champion with her imagery, I’ll give her that, although how father shot the footage she refuses to say. Still I’ve proved her wrong although no doubt she won’t thank for that, and I’ll probably not get a home baked scone for week. Life can be so cruel at times.

I was explaining to Mother, over a sausage surprise tea, how busy the Collective had been of late. Mother’s only comment was that the sausages had a special cheesy twist, and remarked how it reminded her of father. But I persisted. I told her about the interview Paul had conducted with Ani Smith from the very nice people at ‘We Who Are About To Die’ website. That’s nice that he’s going to die dear, she said. I then told her how well Drew’s little chapbook: ‘iWrite (Right!)’ was going down. That did confuse her a little as she misunderstood somewhat and thought it was nice that a young girl, even, as she put it, that little brazen hussy, would do such a thing for me. By now the effort of trying to correct her was becoming too much by far so I just ploughed on telling her about the release of SPUDgUN. That’s nice dear, she said, but have you fucked a girl yet. At which point I gave up and stuffed a cheesy sausage in my mouth.

As they say, that was then this is now …

Ben Nitt



Nitt's News -1- Edited by Ben Nitt

On The Last Tube Train
To Tibet

-2- P.A.Levy
Dick And Tom Have A Disagreement -3- Dick and Tom
iEssex -4- iDrew
Essex Girls -5- Terry Wrist
(Ft. Hello Kitty & iDrew)
iKent -6- iDrew
Home To Roost -7- P.A.Levy
An Apple A Day -8- Charlotte De’Ath
They Don’t Build Cathedrals Anymore -9- P.A.Levy
Making White Flags
(Inevitable Outcome)
-10- P.A.Levy